How? [ because it's not fair, that she can sit there and worry about what he's doing - if he's going to snap and go searching for Sam again, or if he's going to go off into the ship to save someone, if he's going to do something stupid and get himself killed - but never get a straight answer out of him, but the moment something happens to her, he should have known. should always know. ] We both know that's a lie. If I had come to you right after it happened, you would have stormed out and hunted down Bells right then and there. If I had my way, you wouldn't have found out at all.
[ that had been her plan, at least. to keep it from him for as long as she could, to hide her arms until the bruises disappeared. she isn't so much applying this to their relationship as a whole - isn't taking into account how many lies this might have produced, or what it would do to them, because it's just one event. it's just bells, dealing with extreme loss, and maybe she wants to help him because she wants to know there will be someone for her when she loses someone. if she loses someone. if she loses Dean.
god knows she would want to do a little more than just grab onto the first person to run into her if that ever happened. so she's forgiven Bells, never really was mad at him in the first place, but now that Dean's found out the entire situation has gotten so much more complicated. but then his voice lowers and some part of Jo feels guilty. a small part, maybe, but it's starting to eat at her. ]
It's not like I'm out looking for danger here, Dean. But that also doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself up in some room somewhere for the rest of my life. This is all I got, now. This ship and these passengers that you don't want to get to me are all I have. [ it's actually embarrassing, the way her voice shakes a little then, but this is playing into everything she's been trying to avoid. but the fight is mostly gone, and Jo's just starting to feel tired. tired of fighting, tired of yelling. ] And I know the only reason you're acting like this is because of some kind of obligation you feel to my mom - or whatever - but you don't have to. [ and maybe she's wrong, about that, but it's what it feels like. ] There's nothing to keep me safe for.
[ if i had my way, you wouldn't have found out at all.
dean's anger flares, but it's silent this time, a reality he has to deal with. there's a ring of mistrust in jo's words, one he wants to erase because she should be able to tell him these things. back home, before everything went to hell, he wouldn't have blamed her for keeping things. but here, in space hell things are different.
dangerously different. ]
Yeah, 'cause that's such a fantastic idea. You have any other secrets you don't want me to know about? [ woah, hello being unfair. but dean doesn't care, it's petty but he's so done with people keeping secrets from him, big or small. just look where it got cas.
but even despite that, he can tell how this is draining her, can see it on her face, hear it in the strain of her voice. and he hates it, if he's honest, all of his angry jealousy bitterness seems so not worth it when it means hearing her voice lose that angry edge. he doesn't need a reminder of how this is all she has, and in fact it should remind her of how easy it is to fuck things up here, for the ship to get her. keeping secrets only helps the tranquility along with that shit.
it isn't until she mentions him feeling obligated to ellen that he finally speaks again; ]
No. No, don't throw that at me, this has nothing to do with anything like that. [ it's both true and not. ellen would want him to keep her safe, but he also wants to do so himself because jo--
she means something to him. is the only one who does at this point. ]
I'm keeping you safe because I want to. [ a pause, strained-- ] Because I'm not losing you again, I fucking refuse to.
[ it's just not fair. not fair at all, that dean can do this and get away with it and make her feel like shit because of it. make her feel like it's her fault, when it's not. logically speaking, not telling dean was the right thing to do. she knows that, but at the same time...
no. no he won't change her mind with this. he won't. jo narrows her eyes at him at the question, because the hypocracy almost makes her laugh. almost makes her even more angry than she already is. does he hear himself, when he speaks? does he realize the things that he's saying? ]
I don't know Dean, is there anything else you don't know about?
[ and okay, that was pretty unfair too. she knows he's got his own issues with cas, and his future, and the whole secrets bit isn't the best way to gain his trust. but she's sick of him treating her like she's going to break. like the minute he turns his back the ship is going to come after her, break her open again and leave her bleeding out at his feet.
the image is more than she needs, and it echoes in that part of her she's been running from since she woke up here, but it's true. dean is treating her like some kind of glass reflection, like if he lets her do more than just look the part she'll never come back. and while she might know why, she also doesn't. doesn't know why he cares so much, why he's putting in all this effort, why he's getting so mad. it's one thing when he makes a promise to her mother, but her mother is dead. like she should be.
i'm not losing you again, i fucking refuse to.
those words ring in her head a second longer than they probably should, and for a moment she hesitates - almost lets herself believe something different before reminding herself that this is just dean. ]
No? Then why do you care so much? Why do you want to? [ because she has her own reasons. she knows why she'd jump back into that rat-infested genetics lab, why she'd follow him into the ship. she knows why she went after that hellhound and why she devised the bomb. she knows, but what she doesn't understand is his reasoning.
and she watches him for the answer, because she won't back down on this. won't let dean just shrug this off and walk out. if she had to grab him too, she will, because she has to know the answer. ]
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ax » action i know right
Date: 2013-05-03 09:59 pm (UTC)[ that had been her plan, at least. to keep it from him for as long as she could, to hide her arms until the bruises disappeared. she isn't so much applying this to their relationship as a whole - isn't taking into account how many lies this might have produced, or what it would do to them, because it's just one event. it's just bells, dealing with extreme loss, and maybe she wants to help him because she wants to know there will be someone for her when she loses someone. if she loses someone. if she loses Dean.
god knows she would want to do a little more than just grab onto the first person to run into her if that ever happened. so she's forgiven Bells, never really was mad at him in the first place, but now that Dean's found out the entire situation has gotten so much more complicated. but then his voice lowers and some part of Jo feels guilty. a small part, maybe, but it's starting to eat at her. ]
It's not like I'm out looking for danger here, Dean. But that also doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself up in some room somewhere for the rest of my life. This is all I got, now. This ship and these passengers that you don't want to get to me are all I have. [ it's actually embarrassing, the way her voice shakes a little then, but this is playing into everything she's been trying to avoid. but the fight is mostly gone, and Jo's just starting to feel tired. tired of fighting, tired of yelling. ] And I know the only reason you're acting like this is because of some kind of obligation you feel to my mom - or whatever - but you don't have to. [ and maybe she's wrong, about that, but it's what it feels like. ] There's nothing to keep me safe for.
ax » action
Date: 2013-05-06 09:16 pm (UTC)dean's anger flares, but it's silent this time, a reality he has to deal with. there's a ring of mistrust in jo's words, one he wants to erase because she should be able to tell him these things. back home, before everything went to hell, he wouldn't have blamed her for keeping things. but here, in space hell things are different.
dangerously different. ]
Yeah, 'cause that's such a fantastic idea. You have any other secrets you don't want me to know about? [ woah, hello being unfair. but dean doesn't care, it's petty but he's so done with people keeping secrets from him, big or small. just look where it got cas.
but even despite that, he can tell how this is draining her, can see it on her face, hear it in the strain of her voice. and he hates it, if he's honest, all of his angry
jealousybitterness seems so not worth it when it means hearing her voice lose that angry edge. he doesn't need a reminder of how this is all she has, and in fact it should remind her of how easy it is to fuck things up here, for the ship to get her. keeping secrets only helps the tranquility along with that shit.it isn't until she mentions him feeling obligated to ellen that he finally speaks again; ]
No. No, don't throw that at me, this has nothing to do with anything like that. [ it's both true and not. ellen would want him to keep her safe, but he also wants to do so himself because jo--
she means something to him. is the only one who does at this point. ]
I'm keeping you safe because I want to. [ a pause, strained-- ] Because I'm not losing you again, I fucking refuse to.
ax » action
Date: 2013-05-06 09:49 pm (UTC)no. no he won't change her mind with this. he won't. jo narrows her eyes at him at the question, because the hypocracy almost makes her laugh. almost makes her even more angry than she already is. does he hear himself, when he speaks? does he realize the things that he's saying? ]
I don't know Dean, is there anything else you don't know about?
[ and okay, that was pretty unfair too. she knows he's got his own issues with cas, and his future, and the whole secrets bit isn't the best way to gain his trust. but she's sick of him treating her like she's going to break. like the minute he turns his back the ship is going to come after her, break her open again and leave her bleeding out at his feet.
the image is more than she needs, and it echoes in that part of her she's been running from since she woke up here, but it's true. dean is treating her like some kind of glass reflection, like if he lets her do more than just look the part she'll never come back. and while she might know why, she also doesn't. doesn't know why he cares so much, why he's putting in all this effort, why he's getting so mad. it's one thing when he makes a promise to her mother, but her mother is dead. like she should be.
i'm not losing you again, i fucking refuse to.
those words ring in her head a second longer than they probably should, and for a moment she hesitates - almost lets herself believe something different before reminding herself that this is just dean. ]
No? Then why do you care so much? Why do you want to? [ because she has her own reasons. she knows why she'd jump back into that rat-infested genetics lab, why she'd follow him into the ship. she knows why she went after that hellhound and why she devised the bomb. she knows, but what she doesn't understand is his reasoning.
and she watches him for the answer, because she won't back down on this. won't let dean just shrug this off and walk out. if she had to grab him too, she will, because she has to know the answer. ]