[ alright, yeah, dean can't argue with that. half the time he's not sure what bells is going on about, and especially as of late with the whole lor going home thing hitting the guy pretty darn hard. it leaves him to realize his own mistake, how he'd let his imagination run miles ahead of him, which had then brought with it all the unwanted feelings he hadn't been able to shake for clarity until right now.
shit, he feels like a moron. ]
A break. [ right. relationship talk, dean's bad at it so he just...gives a nod as if reaffirming her words. his frustration fades then, once more replaced by that intense worry he usually directs at sam. but here, without his brother, jo's importance is number one, her safety and well-being. ]
Yeah. [ screwed up doesn't even begin to cover it. his next question is simple but fierce, something serious and so help him if you try to mince words here, jo. ]
[ Jo's just glad that whatever had Dean on edge is gone, and that they're back to...well. whatever kind of tone this conversation has taken. there seems to be something big and important hanging over both of their heads, but she can't really pinpoint what it is. not yet, at least. ]
Yeah, a break. [ again, she sighs, because she feels like she owes Dean for some reason. ] He kind of freaked out at Kurt the same way and...well. Now they're on a break.
[ Bells still loves him, though, so she's got hope they'll get back together. once she can get Bells off his ass and fixing things. but then there's Dean's protector voice and she thinks about shrugging it off before realizing it'll just lead to more issues and problems. ]
He grabbed me. He was freaking out and I got too close. [ she hates how she's making him sound like a scared animal, 'I approached too quickly and he reacted defensively, etc etc etc' but she doesn't know how else to explain it to Dean. ] It's- I'm fine. A little bruised, maybe, but nothing compared to- yeah.
[ oh bells. it's no secret that dean knows what it's like to lose someone important in this place, and even he has to admit that lor going home kinda sucks. the guy wasn't half bad for a fallen angel type, after all. but still, they don't get much of a say and it is what it is. not that he's going to tell bells that, but with him getting out of control like this-- hurting both jo and his boyfriend...
it ain't good.
it ain't good is an understatement for how deal feels about the whole thing right now though, and it's almost too easy to forget bells' pain when jo mentions being grabbed, mentions being bruised. and if she's trying to pass off being hurt like it's nothing, she has another thing coming. ]
He what? Why-- [ why didn't you tell me. ] You should've-- damn it, Jo. [ but it's not her he's angry with, not right now. ]
Fuckin' angels, I'm gonna break his fingers-- [ he looks about ready to go do that right now in fact. ]
[ shit. the look on Dean's face is exactly what she was worried about, and it feels like this entire situation is getting away from her. it's not even so much that she's downplaying what happened - which yeah, it was scary at the time, but she knew nothing would happen. even if bells was a little off and violent, she knew he wouldn't do anything.
and he was sorry - really, he was. jo believed him about that too. so seeing dean react the way he is makes her panic, because if he does something because of this then it really is her fault. ]
No, Dean, listen- I didn't tell you because I know you'd freak like this. Don't- hey. [ no, dean, no you are not leaving. jo reaches out and grabs his arm to make sure he doesn't walk off, not really mad but trying to get him to listen to her. there are so many things she wants to ask, mostly about what it is he thinks she should have done, why he's freaking out like this when bells was his friend first, but she doesn't think it'll help. knows it won't help. ] Don't be stupid; I knew what I was doing, okay? And I'm fine.
[ but he doesn't know. he doesn't trust bells, even if they do get along somewhat normally. but nobody lays a finger on her, especially not after what went down back home. and yeah, he knows she can handle herself (somewhat) would normally respect that (again, somewhat), but not when it comes to something like this.
when she reaches out though, he resists shaking off her hand in favor of turning back to her, but looks no less ready to stick around or calm down. ]
Don't give me that I'm fine bullshit. He could've hurt you, Jo. [ neither of them know what the guy is capable of. and maybe it's the spaceship, their situation, that forces them all to interact, to become allies much faster than they ever would back home, but her trust in bells could have gotten her hurt. ]
He could've hurt you more, and as much as his situation sucks, that won't fly. [ he needs to make sure bells gets that. ]
I'll give you whatever I want to give you because he didn't hurt me.
[ nevermind the hand-print bruises on her arms, or the way she had honestly seen her life flash before her eyes when she'd tried to help him. she'd gotten in that situation because she'd been stubborn, not because of Bells. but what she's saying isn't settling with Dean and it's frustrating her. frustrating her more than she wants to admit. and maybe it's because he has a point, somewhere along the line, but she doesn't want to see it. doesn't want to deal with it. ]
You don't have to protect me from anything, you know. I'm here and I'm fine and you're overreacting. [ and it's starting to make her angry, a little. not enough for her to get petty, yet. instead she just wants to keep him here long enough to calm him down, so he doesn't go and do anything stupid. ] I can take care of myself.
You got bruised, how the hell is that not hurting you? [ okay, so bruising in their line of work and general lives isn't much of a big deal. but they both know how fast it can go from bruising to someone getting their guts torn out. ]
Yeah? Apparently I do. [ because if he doesn't, if something like this happens again and he's not there... it's a thought he doesn't want to have, yet can't quite push away either. ] 'Cause if I don't, you get hurt and you don't even tell me about it. And fuck, did you ever think that maybe I wouldn't freak if you had? [ told him about it, that is. yeah, he flips out about these things, sure, but he still thinks she should have come to him, or rather, told him when she'd knocked on his door. it's... annoying as much as it's somewhat hurtful that she doesn't want to, like sam, and would rather lie to him about it.
never mind that he'd have done exactly the same thing. ]
Then prove it, 'cause I sure as hell ain't convinced.
Comparatively? [ because compared to having your entire side ripped open and your guts spilling out, not much hurts. and it's a horrible way of looking at things, especially since she's trying to avoid that same sort of fate, but she can't help it. ] Besides, how many times have you gotten in a fight? You can't tell me that you'd come and tell me about all of them.
And you know what? I don't have to tell you about anything. [ mostly because she knows how he'll react to ninety percent of what she does. how he'll tell her she's being reckless, or stupid, or childish. she's already been through this with him, already proved herself to him on multiple occasions, and now he wants to go and try to tell her off about it? ] No, I didn't. Because I knew you would. Like you are now.
[ some part of her is still hung up on the idea he came here because he thought she was sleeping with bells. that he was hurt because she didn't tell him that she was having sex. and maybe she could have found the humor in it when he did first get here, but now she's just getting mad. all over again. ]
What do you want me to do? [ if her voice is a little desperate, he doesn't have to mention it. ] Gut any guy who lays a hand on me? Maybe I should go after the ones that flirt with me too. Just to prove it to you that I can. Would that be enough?
That's different. [ he knows what he's doing, he's seen and been through so much more than her, has the skills to defend himself. yet, dean knows that's not entirely true or fair, and that she's more than capable-- she'd saved his ass after all, from the hellhound.
but look where that had gotten her, and all because she'd gotten involved with the wrong people. ]
Only 'cause you've been hidin' this since the goddamn jump, Jo. Sure, I wouldn't have exactly been happy, but shit, do I gotta find out everything this way?
[ while he's forgiven sam, to some extent, for all the lies his brother had thrown at him about ruby, dean doesn't want the same mess to form between him and jo. sure, there's no demon involved, but if she starts hiding every time someone hurts her, or if the ship gets its claws into her-- fuck, it could be bad. and they really don't need more bad in their lives.
the last bit has him shutting up for a moment though, something between further anger and torn. his voice is lower when he does speak, but none the less intense. ] I just want you to stay safe, for fuck's sake. [ isn't that obvious? he wants to shout at her, wants her to know how much he can't stand the idea of seeing her hurt... but he doesn't, forces the words back, like always. ]
You can tell me how it's not my job to make sure you're okay as much as you want, but it won't change the fact that I will be doin' everything I can to make sure this ship or its passengers don't get to you.
How? [ because it's not fair, that she can sit there and worry about what he's doing - if he's going to snap and go searching for Sam again, or if he's going to go off into the ship to save someone, if he's going to do something stupid and get himself killed - but never get a straight answer out of him, but the moment something happens to her, he should have known. should always know. ] We both know that's a lie. If I had come to you right after it happened, you would have stormed out and hunted down Bells right then and there. If I had my way, you wouldn't have found out at all.
[ that had been her plan, at least. to keep it from him for as long as she could, to hide her arms until the bruises disappeared. she isn't so much applying this to their relationship as a whole - isn't taking into account how many lies this might have produced, or what it would do to them, because it's just one event. it's just bells, dealing with extreme loss, and maybe she wants to help him because she wants to know there will be someone for her when she loses someone. if she loses someone. if she loses Dean.
god knows she would want to do a little more than just grab onto the first person to run into her if that ever happened. so she's forgiven Bells, never really was mad at him in the first place, but now that Dean's found out the entire situation has gotten so much more complicated. but then his voice lowers and some part of Jo feels guilty. a small part, maybe, but it's starting to eat at her. ]
It's not like I'm out looking for danger here, Dean. But that also doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself up in some room somewhere for the rest of my life. This is all I got, now. This ship and these passengers that you don't want to get to me are all I have. [ it's actually embarrassing, the way her voice shakes a little then, but this is playing into everything she's been trying to avoid. but the fight is mostly gone, and Jo's just starting to feel tired. tired of fighting, tired of yelling. ] And I know the only reason you're acting like this is because of some kind of obligation you feel to my mom - or whatever - but you don't have to. [ and maybe she's wrong, about that, but it's what it feels like. ] There's nothing to keep me safe for.
[ if i had my way, you wouldn't have found out at all.
dean's anger flares, but it's silent this time, a reality he has to deal with. there's a ring of mistrust in jo's words, one he wants to erase because she should be able to tell him these things. back home, before everything went to hell, he wouldn't have blamed her for keeping things. but here, in space hell things are different.
dangerously different. ]
Yeah, 'cause that's such a fantastic idea. You have any other secrets you don't want me to know about? [ woah, hello being unfair. but dean doesn't care, it's petty but he's so done with people keeping secrets from him, big or small. just look where it got cas.
but even despite that, he can tell how this is draining her, can see it on her face, hear it in the strain of her voice. and he hates it, if he's honest, all of his angry jealousy bitterness seems so not worth it when it means hearing her voice lose that angry edge. he doesn't need a reminder of how this is all she has, and in fact it should remind her of how easy it is to fuck things up here, for the ship to get her. keeping secrets only helps the tranquility along with that shit.
it isn't until she mentions him feeling obligated to ellen that he finally speaks again; ]
No. No, don't throw that at me, this has nothing to do with anything like that. [ it's both true and not. ellen would want him to keep her safe, but he also wants to do so himself because jo--
she means something to him. is the only one who does at this point. ]
I'm keeping you safe because I want to. [ a pause, strained-- ] Because I'm not losing you again, I fucking refuse to.
[ it's just not fair. not fair at all, that dean can do this and get away with it and make her feel like shit because of it. make her feel like it's her fault, when it's not. logically speaking, not telling dean was the right thing to do. she knows that, but at the same time...
no. no he won't change her mind with this. he won't. jo narrows her eyes at him at the question, because the hypocracy almost makes her laugh. almost makes her even more angry than she already is. does he hear himself, when he speaks? does he realize the things that he's saying? ]
I don't know Dean, is there anything else you don't know about?
[ and okay, that was pretty unfair too. she knows he's got his own issues with cas, and his future, and the whole secrets bit isn't the best way to gain his trust. but she's sick of him treating her like she's going to break. like the minute he turns his back the ship is going to come after her, break her open again and leave her bleeding out at his feet.
the image is more than she needs, and it echoes in that part of her she's been running from since she woke up here, but it's true. dean is treating her like some kind of glass reflection, like if he lets her do more than just look the part she'll never come back. and while she might know why, she also doesn't. doesn't know why he cares so much, why he's putting in all this effort, why he's getting so mad. it's one thing when he makes a promise to her mother, but her mother is dead. like she should be.
i'm not losing you again, i fucking refuse to.
those words ring in her head a second longer than they probably should, and for a moment she hesitates - almost lets herself believe something different before reminding herself that this is just dean. ]
No? Then why do you care so much? Why do you want to? [ because she has her own reasons. she knows why she'd jump back into that rat-infested genetics lab, why she'd follow him into the ship. she knows why she went after that hellhound and why she devised the bomb. she knows, but what she doesn't understand is his reasoning.
and she watches him for the answer, because she won't back down on this. won't let dean just shrug this off and walk out. if she had to grab him too, she will, because she has to know the answer. ]
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ax » action
Date: 2013-04-22 04:22 am (UTC)shit, he feels like a moron. ]
A break. [ right. relationship talk, dean's bad at it so he just...gives a nod as if reaffirming her words. his frustration fades then, once more replaced by that intense worry he usually directs at sam. but here, without his brother, jo's importance is number one, her safety and well-being. ]
Yeah. [ screwed up doesn't even begin to cover it. his next question is simple but fierce, something serious and so help him if you try to mince words here, jo. ]
What did he do?
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-22 09:04 am (UTC)Yeah, a break. [ again, she sighs, because she feels like she owes Dean for some reason. ] He kind of freaked out at Kurt the same way and...well. Now they're on a break.
[ Bells still loves him, though, so she's got hope they'll get back together. once she can get Bells off his ass and fixing things. but then there's Dean's protector voice and she thinks about shrugging it off before realizing it'll just lead to more issues and problems. ]
He grabbed me. He was freaking out and I got too close. [ she hates how she's making him sound like a scared animal, 'I approached too quickly and he reacted defensively, etc etc etc' but she doesn't know how else to explain it to Dean. ] It's- I'm fine. A little bruised, maybe, but nothing compared to- yeah.
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-24 06:11 pm (UTC)it ain't good.
it ain't good is an understatement for how deal feels about the whole thing right now though, and it's almost too easy to forget bells' pain when jo mentions being grabbed, mentions being bruised. and if she's trying to pass off being hurt like it's nothing, she has another thing coming. ]
He what? Why-- [ why didn't you tell me. ] You should've-- damn it, Jo. [ but it's not her he's angry with, not right now. ]
Fuckin' angels, I'm gonna break his fingers-- [ he looks about ready to go do that right now in fact. ]
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-24 08:25 pm (UTC)and he was sorry - really, he was. jo believed him about that too. so seeing dean react the way he is makes her panic, because if he does something because of this then it really is her fault. ]
No, Dean, listen- I didn't tell you because I know you'd freak like this. Don't- hey. [ no, dean, no you are not leaving. jo reaches out and grabs his arm to make sure he doesn't walk off, not really mad but trying to get him to listen to her. there are so many things she wants to ask, mostly about what it is he thinks she should have done, why he's freaking out like this when bells was his friend first, but she doesn't think it'll help. knows it won't help. ] Don't be stupid; I knew what I was doing, okay? And I'm fine.
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-27 05:51 am (UTC)when she reaches out though, he resists shaking off her hand in favor of turning back to her, but looks no less ready to stick around or calm down. ]
Don't give me that I'm fine bullshit. He could've hurt you, Jo. [ neither of them know what the guy is capable of. and maybe it's the spaceship, their situation, that forces them all to interact, to become allies much faster than they ever would back home, but her trust in bells could have gotten her hurt. ]
He could've hurt you more, and as much as his situation sucks, that won't fly. [ he needs to make sure bells gets that. ]
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-27 12:29 pm (UTC)[ nevermind the hand-print bruises on her arms, or the way she had honestly seen her life flash before her eyes when she'd tried to help him. she'd gotten in that situation because she'd been stubborn, not because of Bells. but what she's saying isn't settling with Dean and it's frustrating her. frustrating her more than she wants to admit. and maybe it's because he has a point, somewhere along the line, but she doesn't want to see it. doesn't want to deal with it. ]
You don't have to protect me from anything, you know. I'm here and I'm fine and you're overreacting. [ and it's starting to make her angry, a little. not enough for her to get petty, yet. instead she just wants to keep him here long enough to calm him down, so he doesn't go and do anything stupid. ] I can take care of myself.
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-28 11:00 pm (UTC)Yeah? Apparently I do. [ because if he doesn't, if something like this happens again and he's not there... it's a thought he doesn't want to have, yet can't quite push away either. ] 'Cause if I don't, you get hurt and you don't even tell me about it. And fuck, did you ever think that maybe I wouldn't freak if you had? [ told him about it, that is. yeah, he flips out about these things, sure, but he still thinks she should have come to him, or rather, told him when she'd knocked on his door. it's... annoying as much as it's somewhat hurtful that she doesn't want to, like sam, and would rather lie to him about it.
never mind that he'd have done exactly the same thing. ]
Then prove it, 'cause I sure as hell ain't convinced.
ax » action
Date: 2013-04-28 11:48 pm (UTC)And you know what? I don't have to tell you about anything. [ mostly because she knows how he'll react to ninety percent of what she does. how he'll tell her she's being reckless, or stupid, or childish. she's already been through this with him, already proved herself to him on multiple occasions, and now he wants to go and try to tell her off about it? ] No, I didn't. Because I knew you would. Like you are now.
[ some part of her is still hung up on the idea he came here because he thought she was sleeping with bells. that he was hurt because she didn't tell him that she was having sex. and maybe she could have found the humor in it when he did first get here, but now she's just getting mad. all over again. ]
What do you want me to do? [ if her voice is a little desperate, he doesn't have to mention it. ] Gut any guy who lays a hand on me? Maybe I should go after the ones that flirt with me too. Just to prove it to you that I can. Would that be enough?
ax » action that's always the most fitting icon
Date: 2013-05-03 08:14 pm (UTC)but look where that had gotten her, and all because she'd gotten involved with the wrong people. ]
Only 'cause you've been hidin' this since the goddamn jump, Jo. Sure, I wouldn't have exactly been happy, but shit, do I gotta find out everything this way?
[ while he's forgiven sam, to some extent, for all the lies his brother had thrown at him about ruby, dean doesn't want the same mess to form between him and jo. sure, there's no demon involved, but if she starts hiding every time someone hurts her, or if the ship gets its claws into her-- fuck, it could be bad. and they really don't need more bad in their lives.
the last bit has him shutting up for a moment though, something between further anger and torn. his voice is lower when he does speak, but none the less intense. ] I just want you to stay safe, for fuck's sake. [ isn't that obvious? he wants to shout at her, wants her to know how much he can't stand the idea of seeing her hurt... but he doesn't, forces the words back, like always. ]
You can tell me how it's not my job to make sure you're okay as much as you want, but it won't change the fact that I will be doin' everything I can to make sure this ship or its passengers don't get to you.
[ and that's it. ]
ax » action i know right
Date: 2013-05-03 09:59 pm (UTC)[ that had been her plan, at least. to keep it from him for as long as she could, to hide her arms until the bruises disappeared. she isn't so much applying this to their relationship as a whole - isn't taking into account how many lies this might have produced, or what it would do to them, because it's just one event. it's just bells, dealing with extreme loss, and maybe she wants to help him because she wants to know there will be someone for her when she loses someone. if she loses someone. if she loses Dean.
god knows she would want to do a little more than just grab onto the first person to run into her if that ever happened. so she's forgiven Bells, never really was mad at him in the first place, but now that Dean's found out the entire situation has gotten so much more complicated. but then his voice lowers and some part of Jo feels guilty. a small part, maybe, but it's starting to eat at her. ]
It's not like I'm out looking for danger here, Dean. But that also doesn't mean I'm going to lock myself up in some room somewhere for the rest of my life. This is all I got, now. This ship and these passengers that you don't want to get to me are all I have. [ it's actually embarrassing, the way her voice shakes a little then, but this is playing into everything she's been trying to avoid. but the fight is mostly gone, and Jo's just starting to feel tired. tired of fighting, tired of yelling. ] And I know the only reason you're acting like this is because of some kind of obligation you feel to my mom - or whatever - but you don't have to. [ and maybe she's wrong, about that, but it's what it feels like. ] There's nothing to keep me safe for.
ax » action
Date: 2013-05-06 09:16 pm (UTC)dean's anger flares, but it's silent this time, a reality he has to deal with. there's a ring of mistrust in jo's words, one he wants to erase because she should be able to tell him these things. back home, before everything went to hell, he wouldn't have blamed her for keeping things. but here, in space hell things are different.
dangerously different. ]
Yeah, 'cause that's such a fantastic idea. You have any other secrets you don't want me to know about? [ woah, hello being unfair. but dean doesn't care, it's petty but he's so done with people keeping secrets from him, big or small. just look where it got cas.
but even despite that, he can tell how this is draining her, can see it on her face, hear it in the strain of her voice. and he hates it, if he's honest, all of his angry
jealousybitterness seems so not worth it when it means hearing her voice lose that angry edge. he doesn't need a reminder of how this is all she has, and in fact it should remind her of how easy it is to fuck things up here, for the ship to get her. keeping secrets only helps the tranquility along with that shit.it isn't until she mentions him feeling obligated to ellen that he finally speaks again; ]
No. No, don't throw that at me, this has nothing to do with anything like that. [ it's both true and not. ellen would want him to keep her safe, but he also wants to do so himself because jo--
she means something to him. is the only one who does at this point. ]
I'm keeping you safe because I want to. [ a pause, strained-- ] Because I'm not losing you again, I fucking refuse to.
ax » action
Date: 2013-05-06 09:49 pm (UTC)no. no he won't change her mind with this. he won't. jo narrows her eyes at him at the question, because the hypocracy almost makes her laugh. almost makes her even more angry than she already is. does he hear himself, when he speaks? does he realize the things that he's saying? ]
I don't know Dean, is there anything else you don't know about?
[ and okay, that was pretty unfair too. she knows he's got his own issues with cas, and his future, and the whole secrets bit isn't the best way to gain his trust. but she's sick of him treating her like she's going to break. like the minute he turns his back the ship is going to come after her, break her open again and leave her bleeding out at his feet.
the image is more than she needs, and it echoes in that part of her she's been running from since she woke up here, but it's true. dean is treating her like some kind of glass reflection, like if he lets her do more than just look the part she'll never come back. and while she might know why, she also doesn't. doesn't know why he cares so much, why he's putting in all this effort, why he's getting so mad. it's one thing when he makes a promise to her mother, but her mother is dead. like she should be.
i'm not losing you again, i fucking refuse to.
those words ring in her head a second longer than they probably should, and for a moment she hesitates - almost lets herself believe something different before reminding herself that this is just dean. ]
No? Then why do you care so much? Why do you want to? [ because she has her own reasons. she knows why she'd jump back into that rat-infested genetics lab, why she'd follow him into the ship. she knows why she went after that hellhound and why she devised the bomb. she knows, but what she doesn't understand is his reasoning.
and she watches him for the answer, because she won't back down on this. won't let dean just shrug this off and walk out. if she had to grab him too, she will, because she has to know the answer. ]